Bella MacLeod's Twilight Fanfiction

An Imperfect Life

By Midnight Dreamer

Chapter 15: Drowning in Darkness

(BPOV)

The last few days have been a blur. I barely remember the officer coming to tell us about Charlie’s death. Then Alice, Jasper and Edward came. I recall Jasper holding me while I cried. I don’t remember how I got to my room that night. Charlie’s funeral came and went. I just sat there. I felt empty. Like there is nothing there. An empty shell.

 Emmett tries to talk to me but all I hear is a muffled buzzing sound. Jasper sits with me. He doesn’t have to say anything, just having him close makes me feel some comfort. Alice comes and tells me about her days and helps me with my school work. I haven’t been to school in almost a week. Edward stops by often. He reads to me mostly. I know I probably hurt his feelings these last few weeks by ignoring him, but I thought I was doing what was best. If I stayed away, Lauren and Jessica would leave me alone. I didn’t know that leaving him alone would hurt him so much. Yeah sure I would see him when we went over but it wasn’t the same. I could see the pain and confusion in his eyes.

I cry myself to sleep most nights. I only eat enough to keep them from worrying or hospitalizing me. I don’t ever want to leave my room again. No one can get hurt if I stay here. I can’t get hurt if I don’t let them in. They can’t get hurt if they don’t see me spiraling into my own personal hell. Which I deserve to burn in. I deserve to wallow in my pain. Everyone I love leaves me. Emmett is all I have left, and the only way I know to keep him safe is to push him away. He can’t leave me if I already left him. He has Rose now he’ll be okay. So this room will be my sanctuary, my prison and my grave.

The days pass slowly. I have since locked them out of my room. They keep trying to get me to come out. They knock and knock but I just lay here. Food is left by the door. The pain comes and goes in waves. I cry and scream. The nightmares are the worst. I keep seeing Charlie’s face, distorted in pain. Tears falling down his cheeks. Telling me not to be sad, and not to cry, he’s with mom and their happy together again. I scream to him to come back to us but he fades into the darkness. I welcome the darkness. It means I feel no pain, no sorrow, nothing. I feel nothing. I go numb. I’m learning to hold on to the numbness. It helps me get through the days.

The song playing on my clock radio felt right in the atmosphere I surrounded myself in.

You say hold on to the reins

I say let them go tonight

My brain waves confused between what is and ain’t

She cries groundless and free.

Tired of the water, tired of the wine

Tried of the future, tired of time

Tired of the madness, tried of the steel

Tried of the violence, tired of me.

Used steel, used steel am I

What was powerful in love, is no hard and crystallized

The intellect is fine for counting money and recalling time

But she cries groundless and free.

Tired of the water, tired of the wine

Tired of the future, tired of the time

Tired of the madness, tired of the steel

Tired of the violence, tired of me.

Tired of me

Ah ha yeah

I’m so tired of time

I’m so tired of the wine

And I’m so tired of the time

And I’m so tired of the wine, yeah

And hope is a letter that never arrives delivered by the postman of my fears.

You say hold on to the reins

I say let them go tonight

My brain waves confused between what is and ain’t.

She cries groundless and free.

Tired of the water, tired of the wine

Tired of the future, tired of time

Tired of the madness, tired of the steel

Tired of the violence, tired of me.

Tired of the water, tired of the wine

Tired of the future, tired of time

Tired of the madness, tired of the steel

Tired of the violence, tired of me.

Tired of me

Tired of me

Tired of me

Tired, tired of me.

The song was exactly how I felt. I knew I would have to pull myself up out of this, but for now I felt like I was drowning in the darkness. I was happy to just let the darkness consume me, to swallow me up in a pool of nothingness.