Bella MacLeod's Twilight Fanfiction

Claws

By BetterInTexas

Chapter 31:

Wyoming

Bella woke up just before the sun. She was lying naked on a blanket on the ground, the smoldering remains of a campfire near to her and Leah on top of her. There was snow around them but the blankets on top and their own body heat was more than enough to keep them comfortable.

Leah was spooning her from behind, her warm arm around Bella’s waist. The new body heat she felt from Leah was still strange, after all this time knowing her as a human.

Despite what Bella considered a tragedy, Leah took her phasing as a gift. Part of the reason Bella wanted to bring her to Wyoming was to help her acclimate to her new status, much as she had done for Sam. Though Bella’s abilities to fight fully as an animal were lacking judging by her recent broken back, she was able to fight like a vampire, coaching Leah how to avoid strikes and deliver her won bites. It wasn’t easy, going at half speed so neither one would be injured, but it was wroth the effort. If Leah hadn’t gotten the jump on the Devil Dog, she would have been slaughtered. It was to both their lucks that Leah phased when she did.

It was to Bella’s detriment that Leah was constantly reminding her that she saved her life.

Bella gently moved Leah’s arm from around her waist and sat up, wincing as she did.

To her great irritation, her lower back hurt a bit. Before they had settled into their nightly activities, Bella and Leah ran full out, Bella in her Jaguar form, challenging Leah to catch her.

Leah was faster than Bella expected, faster than Sam but was still a few steps slower. At least until she cheated.

“Stay asleep. The sun isn’t fully up.” Leah companied.

“I’m going to enjoy the sunrise. Stay asleep. I’m not happy with you at this moment.”

Leah smirked, opening her eyes and taking in Bella’s form. No matter how many scars her love had, they only made her more beautiful in Leah’s eyes. They meant she had survived, a road map to finding each other.

“If what you did to me wasn’t you happy with me, I would love to know what you will do to me when you are happy.”

“My lower back hurts. I can’t believe you did that.”

“You said to catch you. You are faster as a full Jaguar. I did what I had to do.”

“You didn’t have to bite my tail and drag me down by it! It hurt. It still hurts and I’m back to being humanish. I have this pain in my lower back.”

Leah sighed and sat up, the blanket falling off of her. Despite her irritation, the sight drew Bella in.

“Pain does not matter. Pain means nothing to me. Pain is just a tool, blah, blah, blah. What happened to my ultra-tough badass? Now you are complaining that I got a little tail last night?”

Bella glared at her. “Wait until I do it to you.” She told her threateningly.

Leah shook her head, not worried about her threat. “Now that you know it hurts, you wouldn’t do it to me. You wouldn’t cause me pain.”

Bella huffed, knowing she was right.

“I could give you a massage as the sun is rising, if it would make you feel better.”

“Sit in front of me so I can hold you as the sun rises. We need to take advantage of moments like this.” Bella told her.

Rather than obeying, Leah sat behind her and pulled Bella closer. “I’m taller. You lean back against me, remember?”

Bella chuckled, remembering Seth’s words from what seemed like so long ago. “I suppose your brother was right. You must be the guy in the relationship because you are so bossy.”

Leah laughed and squeezed her tightly. “I wonder how that brat is doing?”

Bella turned and caressed her cheek. “I will get you back to them, one day. I promise.”

Leah sighed and turned her gaze to the rising sun. She missed her family, but she was also content. She was where she belonged. Before she had always felt slightly inferior to Bella. She was strong but Bella was stronger. Bella had the superpowers; she had the ability to fight monsters and defintely had a strong protective streak. Despite being a strong-willed individual herself, she had known it would always be Bella saving her if they were in danger.

Now that had changed. Bella was still the experienced warrior who had walked through hell, and emerged with a roadmap of the devil’s home, carved on her body. She was the one who could fight with guns, knives, whatever she needed to do the job. She was the one who could shift into a hybrid and use kung fu to take out her enemies.

But Leah was no weakling. She loved being a wolf. The feel of running at high speed, the strength she had in both forms, the enhanced senses, even the aggression was indescribable. She felt alive in a way she never had before. She may not have been Bella’s equal in combat, but she was certainly closer than before.

“I’m right where I want to be. How is your back?” Leah asked, wondering how concerned she should be. Bella moved well last night but so far in the past few months she had been gutted and had her spine cracked in two. She had gotten stronger each time, but Leah wondered if that would last forever.

“I’m good. You had to cheat to catch me. That should tell you how good I am doing. You couldn’t land your nose on me when we were sparring.”

“I’ve been doing this less than a week.” Leah pointed out. “Wow, that is beautiful.”

Bella relaxed as Leah put her chin on top of Bella’s head. They watched the sun covered ground sparkle as it came to life, sunshine racing towards them.

When the sun was completely in the sky and ready to work all day, the lovers dressed and walked hand in hand towards the Ranch two miles away in no hurry.

Jasper and Edward had been staying the night in an apartment over the barn, working with Chris. Bella was anxious to see what they had come up with. The four had driven up here after Bella and Connolly decided he should go to this Denali Mansion with his men and assure it was safe, then set up their gear for the continuing war.

Edward had come with two objectives. He was going to deep dive into Bella’s memories one again and needed Chris’s guidance. The two were also going to work on what Edward considered his biggest curse. Edward was tired of being bombarded by every thought in the vicinity and Bella hoped Chris could help him control his gift, only use it when needed. Jasper could refrain from manipulating emotions however he was hyper aware of all the emotions around him. If Edward could learn the secret of turning off his telepathy, Jasper could use the same to turn down his empathy. It was worth a shot.

Regardless, if they were successful or not, Bella needed to get this damn block out of her head. Not being able to hurt Hildebrand was a weakness. Who knew what else the woman had done to her? Was there some phrase or word that could put her completely under her control, take away any free will, Bella had. She doubted it. If there was, the woman would have used it before.

Of course, Bella didn’t know about the mental block until she had completely shifted. Erin had never needed it before or at least made her aware of it.

When they reached the ranch house, Bella heard Edward and Jasper quietly shuffling around in the loft apartment above the barn. She suggested Leah eat the breakfast she smelled in the house. Leah had been ravenous since she first shifted. She had eaten an entire fried chicken on the way here. Bella’s suggestion that she eat a deer last night was met with derision, but it didn’t stop the Jaguar from feeding on two large bucks, followed by a dip in a nearby river to clean herself.

She gave Leah a kiss and assurance that she would be there soon, then made her way to the loft.

Upstairs she found Edward and Jasper across from each other, cross legged and eyes closed. Chris was not there, having gone to sleep or to prepare breakfast.

“How did it go? Make any progress?” she asked.

Edward opened his eyes and smiled.

“I can’t hear you. He talked to me, guided me with his mind and it was like something clicked. I found this on off switch. I can’t hear your thoughts. I can’t hear any thoughts. Jasper has been trying to force his thoughts into my head, but it hasn’t worked.”

Bella smiled, happy that he had made so much progress so quickly.

“What about you, Jasper?”

Jasper shrugged and stood. “I think I would have a harder time. Picking up other feelings is more of a defense mode than anything. It’s a security blanket from the Southern wars. I liked knowing what was around me. I’m just glad I can think about my wife naked without little bro being scandalized. How did last night go?”

Bella nodded. “Good. We sparred, we raced, she bit my tail to drag me down, then we had sex and slept.”

The two stared at her for a moment very amused.

“So that gives a whole new meaning to getting some tail.” Jasper said because Edward never would.

Bella stared at the two, not understanding.

“Is that a joke of some sort? I feel like I am missing something. Leah said something about getting tail.”

Jasper and Edward looked at each other, realizing the problem. Despite how well Bella adjusted there was still some slang she just hadn’t picked up.

“Edward can explain it to you.” Jasper said quickly.

Bella shook it off. “No need for explanations. I wish this tail hadn’t come with the jaguar form. Having it bit was quite annoying and pointed out what a strategic liability it is. I’m not sure what nature was thinking.”

“If it was annoying, why did you have sex with her right afterward?” Jasper asked.

Bella shrugged. “I love having sex. So, Who wants to spar? I imagine Chris would like to sleep before we do a deep dive into my psyche. Edward are you up for this. Do you know what you have to do?”

Edward’s good humor was gone, as he remembered why he was there.

“I have to invade your privacy like no one has ever done before.”

Bella snorted, amused that he thought so. “Edward, I promise you, nothing you will see is something someone hadn’t seen already. I am worried about you. I’ve lived through this. If you do this, you will have lived with this as well. Are you ready for that? You saw a taste in Forks. This will be more. You are going to need to explore every bit of my mind, leave no corner untouched. You are going to live my life. Are you ready?”

Edward shook his head. “No, but I will do what needs to be done. Chris said we start at one, just after lunch. Eat breakfast, rest and then we will begin.”

“Meditate.” Jasper agreed. “You and Leah both could use some downtown that doesn’t include sex, sparring or biting tails.”

Bella silently agreed and left the barn, walking into the beautiful snow-covered fields. She would take a shower later but wanted nothing to eat. Hopefully her incredible metabolism would have the deer she ate digested soon. Bella did not want to take the chance of vomiting. Despite her brave words of warning to Edward, she was nervous. This would be an invasion that she was allowing, even helping. Her mind would fight back, and she would have to push forward. Jasper couldn’t keep her calm. Calm was not what she needed to push past the barriers she would have no doubt put up over the years.

She could relive the horror but reliving the good times might be more difficult.

Six hours later, Chris had gathered the four participants in a living room of the guest house and sat them on the floor.

“This is the problem.” The cowboy began. “Bella, Jasper can’t keep you calm. You are going to need feel everything to help Edward push through some blocks in your mind. Jasper has to concentrate on calming Edward, so he doesn’t freak out about the nightmares in your head. Leah, you say you can feel Bella’s emotions. That means she can feel yours. You are tough girl, but this is another ballgame. You are going to have to stay calm, and it can help her out. If you panic, she is really going to lose it. I want you to hold her. You may not be strong enough to handle her but holding her might help give you a feeling of some control. Edward…”

“Call out what I see.” He answered. “Lights, colors, patterns, shapes and symbols.”

“Also…” Chris prodded.

“Break through any locked doors I see. Bring out any repressed memories. Are you sure that is a good idea?”

Chris could understand his concern. It was a difficult thing to do. None of them knew what memories Bella had repressed but he suspected with how damaged her psyche was from her trauma alone, what she must have been repressing would be horrible.

“The kids are on a day trip to town for the day. We are all alone for thirty miles. Nothing to worry about. Edward, when you see those hypnotic triggers, you are going to force your thoughts onto hers. You are going to reverse what was done. Rewind the images in her mind. Understand?”

“I just learned how to turn off my telepathy. I’m not sure if I can do what you are asking.”

“Last night you weren’t sure if you could turn it off and look where we are. You are a fast learner. You already deep dived into her mind before. This time, Jasper is going to help balance you, let you walk around. We got faith in your Edward. You have only tipped the iceberg of what is possible for you.”

“Edward.” Bella called to him. “I trust you. Free me.”

Edward nodded and took Bella’s hands. She closed her eyes and tried to relax, doing a poor job of it.

“Ready?” Edward asked shakily.

Bella nodded. “Ready.”

Edward opened his mind and fought the thoughts flooding in for a moment. Chris’s mind was eerily silent, but Leah’s was racing with worry, anxiety, fear and love. Jasper was focusing, telling himself over and over to calm down and wash it over Edward.

Edward found Bella’s the calmest of all.

Then he dived in.

This time, unlike last time, he was prepared.

He immersed himself inside her mind and spread himself out. He looked around in wonder, taking in millions of images from her life flashing before him, some memories so early they were only blurry impressions of a baby in a nursery with a blurry nurse over her. Others were as recent as the night before when Bella whispered promises of love in Leah’s ear.

He focused, trying to make sense of these images, placing them in order.

The result was overwhelming. He was in a hall that seemed to go on forever. Then the hall split and split again, over and over, images, emotions, so many emotions.

Pain. Love was present but so much pain.

He focused on Erin Hildebrand.

Edward was chained in a furnace and could smell the gasoline on him. He screamed for her not to do it, begged her, pleaded, swore but Hildebrand only smiled as she dropped the lit match on him.

The agony flung him from the memory, and he began to panic until he felt himself calming. It was the unnatural calming effect Jasper often used on him when the world became too much to handle.

He walked the halls, taking his time, looking for the dark places. Hildebrand was in so many.

Desire, desperation to be loved. Bella’s desperation led him to Hildebrand.

There were locked doors as well. He approached the first one.

“Don’t open that.” A little girl’s voice told him. He looked down and saw a child he knew was Bella. She had long, wavy thick hair. Her voice was strange in that it was frightened. Edward wasn’t used to hearing Bella frightened. He had heard her furious, mad with anger, but never scared. She was dressed in a simple green jump suit, no doubt what passed for children’s fashion at the Facility.

“I have to.” he told her.

“Some things shouldn’t be seen.” she told him. “I don’t want that door opened. They are locked for a reason. You aren’t supposed to be here! Get out! Get away from my doors!”

Little Bella’s voice roared, desperate, pleading and now a bit of anger hiding the fear.

Edward couldn’t look at her. Instead, he ripped the door open.

He screamed when he saw inside.

The torture, the blood, the pain, the loneliness, the wish to die. He wondered how she could remember being burned all over but yet have some memories repressed. What could be worse than being burned? Now he knew.

“She did it to make me stronger.” Little Bella said. “That’s why. Close the door. I don’t want to remember.”

Edward wanted to do that, but he couldn’t. Instead, he knelt down and took the girl in his arms. “I don’t want to remember that either, but we must. We have to remember, Bella. We have to look at everything. I am so sorry.”

Edward walked to the next locked door and the next, opening each one and dying inside a bit more with each one.

These memories were not just pain. They weren’t tests to make her stronger. They weren’t even tests to see what she could survive. These were the actions of a sadistic woman, who got her kicks off horrible torture, humiliation, domination, degradation. This place was Hell and Hildebrand was Satan.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been there. He had at some point, picked up the child and carried her in his arms as they opened each door and looked inside taking in each one, trying to stay strong, trying to accept Jasper’s calming effect.

He knew time worked differently here. When he had last took a look inside her head it felt like days, months even, but it had been less than a minute.

He found another closed door but this one was different. This one had an actual padlock on it. He tried to break the lock, but it refused to budge.

“It’s a combination lock. Do you know the combination, Bella?”

The little girl shook her head. “It isn’t mine. I didn’t lock this door.”

“Then we will have to break it apart. I’m going to put you on the floor for a moment.”

Edward took the lock with both hands, planted on foot on the floor and the other on the steel door and pulled. He didn’t stop pulling even when Bella was screaming that she was being torn apart. When the lock finally broke, she fell down, hitting the floor next to him.

He sat up and walked into the room.

Bella was twelve, maybe younger. She sat on a hospital bed while a man shined a light in her eyes as Hildebrand looked closely at her.

“Who is your mother?” the man asked.

An obviously dazed and hypnotized Bella pointed at Hildebrand.

“When your mother says rainbow, lockbox, zero, mustang you will take your new claws and slice your throat open and end your life. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Bella said robotically. “When mother says rainbow, lockbox, zero, mustang, I will end my life.”

“Good girl. That will make your mother happy. Now you are going to look at a series of colors and flashes. Watch them closely, memorize them. They will always be in your head in case you lose control. They are to make sure you can never hurt your mother. You would end your own life before you hurt your mother.”

Edward watched a screen be pulled in front of Bella. A projector turned on behind her and she watched the images over and over, her face never showing a response.

Edward walked further into the room and raised his hand.

“Stop. Reverse the images.”

Hildebrand disappeared but the psychiatrist or whatever he was, remained.

“You can’t be here. If you try to remove the code she will become catatonic.”

“No, she won’t. She is stronger than that. I can tell you are lying, another defense mechanism. I see how this works. How many control words has she been given?”

The man took on a terrifying visage, resembling more of a demon than a man, obviously how the child had seen him.

“You think you can reverse what I have done? You? You are only a boy!”

“I’m older than I look.” He mumbled. Edward knew he was in a fight for Bella’s mind in this tiny, dim room, with a small child at his feet, a dazed and still twelve-year-old on a bench, drool threatening to fall from her mouth and a demon in a lab coat challenging him.

“You shouldn’t even be here. You are just some figment of her…”

“Enough!” Edward shouted, grabbing the man and throwing him to the door. He fell on top of him and began beating him until he finally disappeared.

The Bella that was on the bed screamed. Edward rushed over to her and held her head between his hands.

“Listen to me! Listen and watch!”

Edward took control of the room, the images began flickering again, only in reverse. He repeated the code words in reverse, then forward, adding new orders to erase all instructions as soon as they were heard. He dug deeper, closing his eyes and wishing the girl would stop screaming but knowing he could not stop. He dug and dug, finding every code, undoing every hypnotic suggestion, melding his mind with hers.

The walls opened and the never-ending hallway fell apart. A great darkness encircled him. The little girl who had been at his side was gone. The twelve-year-old who had been screaming was gone.

He was alone.

Then another door, this one of pure light rose in front of him. It opened as he approached it.

Inside he found himself in the rainforest. The sun was out but the canopy blotted out most of the sunshine, giving the forest a foreboding look. Life teemed around him, but none of it pleasant. He felt predators everywhere, lizards, reptiles, and spiders, beautiful but deadly.

He saw a well-treaded path and began walking, hoping to find Bella. He could feel her of course but this was her mind. She was everywhere. He just needed to find the physical manifestation of her, the one place where she would feel safest, her retreat.

He was approached by a very large jaguar. The animal wasn’t as large as Bella was in her form but still impressive.

“Bella?”

The large cat tilted its head and growled.

“Of course not. Would you happen to know where she is?”

The jaguar walked ahead of him, so he followed down a dark path. When they reached a tree, the cat looked up. Edward took the hint and began climbing.

When he finally broke the canopy the sun was shining bright on the green valley below. Bella was sting on the large branch he was on with her back to the trunk. He walked towards her and sat down near her, letting his legs dangle off.

“I’m free.” She spoke. “The locked doors are open; the commands are gone. You did it.”

“We did it. You were very brave. You didn’t want to open those doors, but you did it with me.”

Bella nodded and wiped her wet eyes. “I can never close them. Now that they are open I can’t close them. What she did to me. To all of us. I knew it was hell, but I had no idea… but I did know. That’s why we were never afraid of death. Because dying was better. I’ve wanted to die most of my life. I’m hurt, I’m humiliated. How can we ever unsee that, Edward?”

Edward sighed. “I don’t know. We can’t. We learn to live with it.”

Bella looked around the land. “This was the tallest tree in my territory. I loved it because I could climb to the top and see everything over the canopy. I told myself that this was the highest place on Earth. No one could touch me when I was here. No one could use me, abuse me, torture me. I didn’t have to kill anyone or anything up here. This is my safe place. No one can get me here. I’m not going back. I’m never going back.”

Edward sighed, having expected this.

“We have to. We have so much to do, so much to fight for, and so much to look forward to. I understand why you would want to stay but we can’t, and you know it.”

Bella shook her head with a determined look on her face. “I can’t go back. How can I fight when I have spent so much of my life wanting to die? How can I forget what it felt like to drown over and over again, to survive with water filling my lungs? It was worse than burning. At least when I was burnt the pain stopped quickly when my nerves were fried. How can I go near water again? I kept it locked for a reason!”

Edward shivered, thinking about that and the worse tortures that had been inflicted, not tests but for Hildebrand’s curiosity or personal amusement or behavioral conditioning.

“How can I make love to Leah again and forget the things that woman made me do?” Bella asked, beginning to cry once more. “I thought Julie was the only one. She had her hands on me so long before that. I locked it away so I could be with Julie, but it is out now. I can’t close that door, Edward. How can I look anyone in the eye after this? My team, they look at me with respect. They think I’m a screwed-up kid, but they also think I’m a hero.”

“You are.”

“I’m a victim! I hate it! I hate it and I feel weak, pathetic, and helpless and all I want to do is hide here, stay here where no one can get to me! I don’t want to go back! I won’t!”

Edward expected as much. He knew. He understood. He was the only one who would understand what it meant to be her. If only he could go back and close the doors for her. She was right though. They had to search them to be sure, to find the commands, the blocks and the hypnotic suggestions and do away with them forever.

Now he had to talk her into returning to that cruel world so she wouldn’t remain catatonic forever. In her case, forever would mean forever. Not alive but not dead, trapped by her own fears and shame in her head by her own choice.

“There was this moment.”

“What?”

“A moment. It was so brief. You and Charlie had just finished watching a comedy on television. You had a great day and he wanted to watch television with you. When it was over, you caught him looking at you. He was so happy but so nervous. He desperately wanted you to be happy. And you were. In that one moment, you forgave him. You loved him. It was one moment, something as little as a lost man, holding onto a desperate hope that his daughter could love him one day, all in a single hopeful smile and a twinkle in his eye. You loved him. Charlie became your dad in that moment.”

Bella smiled, thinking of that moment. It had been an amazing day. So much weight had been lifted from her that day. She stopped working to hate the man. She stopped making up reasons to not like him, to keep her distance. When she let it go, she felt so much relief.

“Leah was doing homework in your room. The two of you weren’t together, she was still with Sam. She was leaning back against your headboard, took your chemistry book and started doodling on it. She wrote her name surrounded by a heart drawn with flowers.”

Bella smiled despite her tears. “She can be such a romantic dork.”

“That was the first time you felt it. More than lust, more than the imprint’s physical effects. That was when you realized it. That was the moment you stopped holding back and let yourself fall in love. It was such a simple thing. You fell in love with her. It filled you with guilt and sorrow, but it was also new and freeing. You thought in that moment that anything was possible.”

Bella nodded. “I guess I did.”

“You are fearless, and it has nothing to do with some suicidal tendency that makes you feel you have nothing to lose. I get it. I’m afraid to go back and I didn’t even live it. I don’t want to face it. Since I have met you, I’ve had to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. I’m still working on them, but I won’t get them done up here on this tree. Despite that, I’m not going back without you. We walked into your mind together, and we are walking back together.”

Bella looked curiously at him. “What do you mean reevaluate?”

Edward grinned. “Since I met you, I’ve been thinking I’m not such a bad guy. Maybe I do have a purpose, a reason why I didn’t die. Maybe I’m not cursed, or doomed or damned. I do have a soul. I’ve got more of a soul than the humans we are hunting. You have given me purpose in life again. You’ve set an example and been an inspiration. I look at you and know I have no excuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself while the world passes me by. For the first time in my immortal life, I want to do something good. I want to take a stand. You could have had that chip disengaged and ran. You didn’t. You stood tall. You are my hero, Bella.”

“I’m your hero?” Bella asked, disbelieving.

“Yes, you are. What I have learned here changes nothing. You are right. You are a victim. I get it. I understand why you want to stay here. You are afraid, embarrassed, wondering if you will ever be able to talk about this, scared that you might have to. You feel dirty. I know this because I know everything about you now. I get it. But look around you, Bella.”

Bella followed his hand as it swept the green valley. “All the ugliness in your life, and where is your safe place? Not some dark corner where you can hide. Your safe place is in the sun, climbing out of the darkness.”

Tears continued down her cheeks, but she was smiling. “It is beautiful, isn’t it? This land, it has always called to me. No matter what happened, no matter how painful, it has always felt like home.”

“What else feels like home?” Edward asked her, already knowing.

“My family. My Dad, Esme, Carlisle, the reckless dumb humans with bigger hearts than brains, my irritating vampire brothers and sisters and the woman I love.”

“Do you think Jasper would judge you?”

Bella shook her head. “He will be angry. I told him it wasn’t as bad as… I didn’t know everything. I did and I forgot. Instead of being brave, I pretended so much didn’t happen. Does that make me a coward?”

“It makes you human. No matter what we are now, at our heart we are both only human. This isn’t going to be easy, but you have taken big steps talking to Jasper already. This is just another layer. You also have me.”

Bella laughed. “You know you are a hero too, don’t you?”

Edward shook his head. “I’m just looking out for my sister who smells kind of like a housecat, but I love her anyway. Take my hand, Bella. We can stay here but we won’t. We won’t let her win. She isn’t going to define you. When you return, you are going to hold your girlfriend and not feel guilty because it wasn’t your fault. You are not going to lay down and wait to die, wallow in depression because that would mean she wins, and we will not let that happen. Right?”

Bella nodded. “Yeah. Thanks Edward. Thanks for walking through hell with me.”

“Your family. That’s what family does. Shall we?”

Bella stood up and took one last look around the valley.

“I’m scared.”

“Do it anyway.”

Bella took his hand. The two opened their eyes in the room. Bella was being held by Leah and Jasper had his hands on Edward’s shoulders.

“Blocks are gone?”

Bella nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready to kill the bitch. Its time we joined the family in Alaska.”