Bella MacLeod's Twilight Fanfiction

Spy Games

By BetterInTexas

Chapter 34:

Dear Spy Journal,

I have missed you. I should be touching base more often but with the whole being kidnapped, made a target of the deadliest coven in the world, nearly being killed by Victoria and her booty call, while watching Edward nearly get killed time and time again, only to be saved at the last moment, Spy Journal I must admit it is depressing. Jake survived having half his body crushed. I am beginning to think I am cursed and these fuckers will never die.

Oh and Sam Uley, Paul and Jared something, want me dead for fucking up their magical hook ups. I didn’t even do it, but I take the blame for everything around here. If you are a supernatural creature and your life has recently been ruined, kill Bella Swan. Why? Because fuck my life, that’s why.

Yep, being popular is not part of being a spy. It is a dangerous and lonely existence, where you sacrifice everything, even your soul for the sake of the mission.

But you get kick ass cars, neat toys, free guns and ammo and the pay isn’t bad either, for hardly any physical labor. Plus let’s face it, being a spy beats asking if you want fries with that.

I digress.

Today’s meeting with Uncle Dodo and the fairy family did not go as planned, unsurprisingly. First, obviously everyone did not attend. Missing were the puppy pack. as I said Sam, Jared and Paul were pissed about losing their imprints. Sam and Jared were obvious but Paul surprised me. I found out from Sasha after the meeting that Paul had imprinted on Jake’s sister about thirty minutes before imprinting was destroyed forever. So Paul basically got thirty minutes connected to his eternal love before she hopped on a plane and got the hell out of town. I was surprised that I didn’t even remember Jake had a sister. Then I was reminded about the twins and had to listen to a lecture from Auntie Hotness about being better at remembering things if I want to be a spy. I won’t lie Spy Journal, I’m not even sure what all was said because she had that I’ve been fucking all night look and despite our agreement for my flirting to stop I will never stop thinking about what she looks like naked. Plus I believe her breasts are larger, as she approaches full blown, can’t hide it pregnancy. She had a nice run while it lasted.

Also not in attendance of course was Jake, who was still pissed I didn’t visit when he was crushed. Angela had been so much happier this morning with Emily gone before she saw Rose. Rose was staring at me as well but rather than giving me go fuck yourself glares she had this sexy little grin going on. I swear if she wasn’t made of rock, Ang and I would fuck her so hard. She wouldn’t be smiling then. Moaning, gasping, screaming in ecstasy…

I digress once again. What were we talking about? Oh right, Emily.

Hawk drove Emily to Phoenix, Arizona this morning to make a fresh start. She will be living in mine and Renee’s old condo. Unbeknownst to me or Renee, Jack had bought the condo when he moved to Arizona. Renee paid rent which he collected through a dummy company and placed into an account to pay for my college. I had no idea and was really touched, something that doesn’t happen between Jack and I very often. Emotional moments anyway. Good emotional moments anyway. Not like those emotional moments where he calls me a whore, I call him a deadbeat dad and we basically destroy my father’s living room until Hawk splits us up. Regardless, since my college will be paid for by the men in black, the money was given to Emily. I gave her a list of the best lesbian clubs, hugged her and watched her drive off, out of my life forever.

Unless Angela breaks up with me one day. Then I am banging the fuck out of her.

The Cullens and Whitlock’s two minions were there as told, looking a bit worried. I suppose Jasper let Peter and Charlotte know how close to the edge to an anger fueled emotional outburst like Jack was. He usually didn’t lose his cool but he was a man of action and this planning stuff was hard work on the poor man. Sasha usually did the heavy lifting in the thinking department, outside of raids and rescues which he and, I understand, Connolly are very good at planning.

The wedding plan was explained and Vinnie was introduced. To say jaws dropped when he walked in, looking exactly like me would be an understatement. No one made a sound until Edward of course, opened his mouth. He began screaming that he would not marry some inhuman abomination and would rather die. Before I could pull my gun to make his preference a reality, Ty explained that Edward would not be promising anything before God because he would be the officiating minister.

Edward and an Alien being married by Ty. Why the fuck not? It’s strangely appropriate. The only guests to be invited were the Denali’s which Carlisle strongly objected to. He did not want them involved and Jack told him to shut up. So long as Carly didn’t open his mouth, everything should be fine, including them. The wedding would be held in four weeks, and then I would disappear for a while. I had no idea where but Jack assured me, Edward would not be around. So instead of starting college on time I was going to be chilling somewhere. I hoped it was tropical. Please let it be tropical Spy Journal. I need the feel of real sun rays on my naked, glistening, beautiful body so badly, I may orgasm when the first ray strikes.

No other guests will be invited to the unholy matrimony. Jack said he had that covered. Apparently, there were other people in our little organization. They were most likely going to be secretaries and janitors but beggars can’t be choosers.

Okay Spy Journal, I need to run, literally. I have really been slacking on endurance training lately and its time I got my head straight. The end game is near, Florida awaits and my ass will look its finest. I will not be a victim of the freshman fifteen.

End of spy journal entry

Oh great, someone is knocking on my door. Since I knew exactly where everybody I gave a damn about were, this meant it was someone I didn’t give a damn about. I sent a quick text to Ang and Arial.

/U sexy bitchez still chillin at love bird’s love shack?/

/yep, u coming?/ Ang texted back.

/Not yet. I know u like to watch;)/

/You two are making me sick. get over here Bell/ Arial texted back finally getting involved.

/Cant. Need to get my run on and someone is at the door. Keep the Bella spyware running. I got dog whistle and gun./

I was giving 2 to 1 odds on Eddie, same odds for Jake, 3 to 1 for Alice’s bitch boy, 5 to 1 Alice and 8 to 1 for Whitlock’s minions.

And let’s go with the long shot.

“Hello Peter. Lovely to see you and your wife. Anything I can help you with?” Like a bullet maybe?

“Nope, just wanted to hang out. Cullens are kind of boring and you seemed more fun. We didn’t sneak in or anything. So can we come in?”

“Why?”

“To get to know each other. We got off on a bad foot. I broke in, you shot me, your friend nearly killed me outside. We have the same goals here and me and Char are going to stop killing people… eventually, so you know we are on the protected list.”

“Yeah, Eddie is too. How do you think things are looking for him?”

“I hate that fucker and would kill him in a heartbeat if you batted your eyes when you asked me. I’d make it hurt too.”

Hmmm. Well played Pete.

“Not bad. I’m gonna need more though. I lost the view in my room because of you. Now I have to go to the living room to see rain, mud and trees.”

“We brought the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit model special. I understand you are a Kate Upton fan?” Charlotte offered. She had the Blu Ray in her hand.

“You are getting warmer.” I encouraged. They could do better than this. My friendship and approval were too valuable to just throw away over trinkets. Besides I had that Blu Ray memorized.

“What about this?”

Charlotte handed over a memory card. Interesting.

“You have my attention. What is in my hand?”

“You are most likely a fan of a certain, gay, model, adult film actress, exotic…”

“Malena?” I cut her off.

“So you have heard of her?” I didn’t like the smirk on Peter’s face but the fucker knew he had me.

“Yeah, I’m a fan of her work.” I have seen everything she has ever done many, many times and have every single freckle on her body memorized.

“These are her videos. All of them, virus free plus a few that haven’t been released yet.”

“Really?” Play it cool Bella. Just play it cool.

“Yep, so you wanna let us hang out and keep that little gold memory card, or do we go back to being bored at the Cullens?”

I’m only doing this because I want Angela to see this woman but don’t want her laptop to be overran with viruses.

“Mi casa, su casa.” I stepped aside and they flashed over to my couch. “Come on over girls, we may as well get to know the new vampires in the area.” I knew Arial and Ang would be listening.

“Already on our way. Be there in five.” Arial informed me.

“So you really have that thing buried in your ear so deep not even we can hear it. What’s it like, listening to other people all day, or knowing they are listening to you?” Petey asked. He was cute for a guy, even if his hair was way to shaggy and out of date, appropriate considering he was as well. His wifey was a hottie, whereas Rose was beautiful and refined, Charlotte was the hot ass freak who would dance on top of a bar. Both kinds are needed to make the world go round.

“You get used to it. I don’t even think about it much anymore. They don’t talk much unless necessary and as far listening to me I just pretend it’s my girlfriend”… aunt… “who is listening.”

“Cool. So we gonna pop this blu ray in or what? I hate to be bored. Jasper said your woman’s dad was kinda a dick. I haven’t had a preacher for a meal in some years. We could go kill him.”

Pete was defintely becoming a favorite of mine.

“No one is killing him.” Angela told my new male undead bestie walking with purpose and looking very, very good in that skirt and those heels. “If it’s going to happen, I’ll do it and… stuff. Not you. Anyway entertaining you isn’t our job. You came here, remember?”

“Damn Phoenix, your woman got some fire.” Char told me with a wink. Arial walked in popping a clip in her .45.

“Wait till you get a load of me if you like her fire, redneck. So whose car is that out there?”

“That would be ours. Like it?” Char asked, in a kinda seductive, southern manner.

“Not really. It’s cute but not our style.” I hadn’t even noticed the car. Good thing Arial is covering me.

“What do they have? Volvo?” I asked.

“Shut your mouth girl. That beauty out there is a 1969 RS Z-28 with a 302 cid small block. I restored her myself.” Pete boasted proudly. “Besides I must have missed your wheels, Phoenix. Jasper said to ask you about your car. You keepin it in the backyard or what? One of those little suped up foreign jobs?”

“Arial and I share a car and today was her day. Why don’t you step to the window and take a look, redneck.”

Pete flashed to the window, making me want to hit the dog whistle and remind him of how fast he really wasn’t. Charlotte was by his side and while he made no sound she gasped.

“That’s…” Pete started.

“Eleanor.” Charlotte finished.

“Yes she is. So are you two up for a race, maybe the straightaway to La Push or the highway past the Cullens?”

Yeah, he didn’t look so confident now.

“I don’t think it would be fair. We have vampire reflexes and all, so you would probably have a hard time…”

“$1000.” I challenged.

“Huh? No, I mean, I would hate to take your money and…”

“$5000.”

“Uh, what do you have under the hood?”

“A pair of the sexiest, perkiest breasts you could ever lay eyes on but you don’t get to see those any more than you get to see under Eleanor’s hood. You want to race say the word. As far as your so called vampire reflexes? I left Victoria in the dust and she was in a stolen brand new Corvette. 5 G Pete. You all talk or can you back that shit up?”

“Look, I would love to but Jasper would be pretty pissed if you girls died in a fiery wreck. I mean he would not be happy. Believe it or not he likes you, Swan.”

“Peter are you, or are you not a coward? Charlotte? How about you sweetie? You look like you got a set on you. Do you keep his somewhere?”

Charlotte was grinning. Just like I thought. She carried his balls in the back pocket of those sexy cutoffs.

An hour later I collected 5 G from the redneck fairies and they left in shame. Too bad I didn’t meet them first; we could have been friends. Unfortunately I am so sick of vampires I truly want them all dead again, even the ones that have been cool with me. Enough already. Even the ones that don’t want to kill me, will eventually. Do unto others before they can do unto you. That’s my motto, if I had a motto or even a familiar catchphrase. I really need a catch phrase. Something that says, ‘yeah Phoenix in da house.’

“Bella!”

Oh. You know your ear has been bugged too long when you stop listening to the voices in your skull.

“Yes Auntie Hot… Sasha?”

“If you and my daughter are done playing fast and furious with the redneck fairies could you please make time in your busy schedule to come by for a fitting?”

Pregnancy hormones are turning her into a real bitch.

“What kind of fitting? Because I am not trying on even a fake wedding…”

“Not that kind of fitting. The kind that nearly suffocated you last time. I really think I have it under control now.”

Damn it. It took me hours to get that stuff out of… places on and… in my body.

“Fine.”

I turned to my girls.

“You bitches ready to see my fine ass get slimed on?”

“I am.” Angela agreed while Arial begged off. Whatevs. I was motivated. This suit would work. The plan would work. I would end this and have my life back. Simple.

I trusted Sasha. If she says this will work, it will work.

Four weeks later

My fake wedding day. I had an uneasy feeling about this. Even though I wouldn’t be the one standing up there in front of fake friends and relatives, I was apparently still expected to wear the dress at the reception. Why? Because a damn plane from Italy arrived in Port Angeles and Jack is worried the Volturi are watching. Also I have skills that Vinnie does not have. According to Sasha, I can piss people off better than anyone on Earth.

I’m not really sure if that is a compliment. Regardless, my skill at pissing people off would be unleashed on the undead guests I had yet to meet, particularly one, Irina Denali. What a lame last name. They seriously couldn’t think of anything better? What’s your last name? Oh, uh… where do I live? Oh yeah, Denali. My last name is Denali. Freaking brilliant. They would never make good spies.

To make matters worse Edward has chased off one very important pawn in the plan. He sent off my one expendable asset in the wolf pack who would lick my feet, by mailing him a fake wedding invitation. Jake is apparently pissed I am not fake marrying him and has ran off to be a big dog, living off deer which is just eww. Since Nita destroyed the puppy packs magical hook ups, my wanted dead or alive poster now hangs proudly on the puppy post office wall, while she is fucking Dante on First Beach.

“Are you ready for our big day, Bella?”

Oh fuck, not this asshole again. My fake groom.

“You do realize you are marrying an alien today right? A shapeshifting blob from another planet who doesn’t actually have a gender, is going to swear to God to honor and love you in a wedding presided over by the dumbest Navy Seal I have ever had the pleasure to call my friend. You understand this. You just have to, right?”

“I don’t believe for one second that you will allow that to occur, Bella. Why would you have your own dress?”

“Because I have to piss off your animal sucking cousins at the reception. By the way, if you call me love or anything else, I am hitting the button and watching you drop. Just remember that Cullen. Oh and thanks for running Jake off. Now I have to put my pet in harm’s way. I don’t like that. If one hair on his cute little head is hurt, I am shooting you in the dick. I’m sure it’s a small target but I am a very good shot.”

Yes, the only wolf who still kisses my ass and lets me play fetch with him is Seth, bless him. I am seriously considering keeping him. It would be so cool to take him on walks on the beach. Poodles can go fuck themselves. All he requires is watching me and Ang make out occasionally and he will do any trick I ask him too.

“Seth will be fine. I’m not even sure why you need him here. I am sure you will be very good at angering our oldest friends all on your own. Your uncle says jump and you ask how high, correct?”

“Fuck him.”

“Fuck you.” I concurred with Jack.

“Such a lady like response. For someone who is so adept at spying, your vocabulary is a bit lacking don’t you think?”

Wow.

Little Eddie is trying to bait me. That fucker actually insulted me.

“Damn Eddie, Carlisle give you too big a load to swallow today? A little daddy sperm get in your perfect hair. You should be happy. Even if you are marrying a shape shifting blob with a cigar fetish, this is the closest you will ever get to having something resembling a woman say I do. Cheer up bitch, before I hurt you.”

“You really think you can hurt me worse than you already have?”

“Absolutely.”

Edward actually smirked and walked towards the door. I wonder if Jasper was outside, giving him some artificial balls or something. Whatever.

Of course before he made it out the door, he had one more parting shot.

“Oh Bella? I also sent out one more surprise invitation. I believe she is here now.”

My blood froze. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. She would have called Jack. He would have told her it was a joke. No way she walks in here. She wouldn’t leave Florida for me unless I was dead. Of course, I was getting fake married so she may think I’m dead. No, it… he wouldn’t.

“Bella?”

Fuck.

Renee.

She just walked in. This nightmare just became real.

“Oh fuck.”

Oh fuck is right, Uncle Dodo. How the hell did you not see this coming? I’m all over this, Bella. No worries Bella. The situation is under control. You have nothing to worry about.

Fuck you Jack.

“Mom… how are you?”

“I’m confused. I’m very, very confused.”

Like this wasn’t a permanent state for her.

“Uh… yeah I can see how you could be confused. I have a perfectly reasonable explanation. But first tell me why you didn’t call when you received this invitation? I could have explained over the phone and saved you the trip.”

“Edward called me personally and asked that it be kept a secret. He wanted me to surprise you. I admit I am surprised. This is worse than when you were in the hospital in Phoenix. At least then you almost died. Is that a wedding dress behind you? Are you fucking serious right now? And him? I admit he has great hair but c’mon Bella, if you are going through some experimental heterosexual phase you could find someone better. Plus, taking it this far? I’m going to hit you over the head now and carry you away. Do not use any of that kung fu shit Jack taught you. Just turn around and I will make this quick. It’s for your own good, honey.”

“I’m not turning around Mom. There is a perfectly good reason for this, I promise. I’m not straight, I swear. I would never do that to you.”

I knew she would be so disappointed if I ever did that. She would lose her gay pride rainbow sticker and have to resign from a dozen gay and lesbian rights groups she belonged to. Those social interactions were important to her.

“Fine. Tell me why you are doing this and it better be good.”

“Uh…”

Blank. No help from Dodo? Nope, silence in my head for once.

“I’m waiting.”

She probably would try to hit me over the head. I could never fight back. Renee did not have many brain cells to lose and she knew it. She had me. C’mon Bella, you are a professional liar. You got this. No one is more full of shit than you. You are a natural liar, damn it!

“Money.” I blurted out.

“Money?”

“Yep.” Money. The one thing sure to make her curious instead of pissed off.

“So you are a straight prostitute now?”

Damn it. That isn’t what I meant. What did I mean? C’mon Bella, go with this.

“No! I am not fucking him, Mom! This is about money. Uh… Edward is Carlisle’s foster kid and…”

“But they have the same eyes. How can they not be related by blood?”

And Renee gets it. How on Earth has no one noticed their cover is full of shit?

“He wears contacts. Carlisle makes all of them wear contacts to sort of bond as a family. He is a weird dude, like Subway Jared weird.”

“You mean he is a…”

“Probably. Have you seen him?”

“And you are marrying into this? Do you have to wear contacts too?”

“No! I’m getting divorced after six months. You see Edward’s real parents were killed in a… they were oil tycoons in Falasiastan and beheaded by terrorists when he was ten years old.”

I bet she doesn’t know there isn’t a country called Falasiastan.

“Yes, I have heard of Falasiastan.”

Yep, that’s my Mom. Even if she had given a shit about my activities growing up, it is doubtful it would have done her any good. I could have had a gangbang in the living room while she meditated in the kitchen and she wouldn’t know.

“Right, well they left him millions in a trust fund, but he can only access the money when he is married. He wants it right away so I agreed to marry him for ten million dollars. I live alone, we stay legally married for six months and the terms are fulfilled. He already has the money.”

“How does he have the money if you aren’t married yet?”

Fuck. Make up your mind, Mom. Are you stupid or not? Stop teasing me.

“He sent a wedding invitation to the guy who manages the trust and told him he needed it to pay for the wedding. So we have to make it good because that guy is going to be here today.”

Inspiration just struck my brilliant mind

“Also I only agreed to marry him if he gives me my ten mil before the wedding. As a matter of fact we were just about to take care of that transaction before you walked in. Hold on one second.”

I walked to the door and yelled.

“Edward! Get up here and bring a laptop! Now!”

I stared at Mom, smiling the entire time while she looked doubtful. I couldn’t blame her, this story is full of more holes than Carl’s but if anyone is stupid enough to buy it, she is.

Finally Eddie arrived after seconds that felt like years.

“Yes, my love?”

“My love?” Renee asked, looking straight at me.

“He’s rich because of me. Of course he loves me. Edward it’s time to pay up.”

“Excuse me?”

I took the laptop from his hands and logged onto the net then turned it towards him.

“I’m giving you Mom’s account deposit information. You can transfer the ten million into her account.”

“Ten million?”

“Yeah, dollars? Don’t try to back out now, we have a deal. You break it and I go out there and tell your trust fund manager that you are gay and he should give your money to charity.”

“But…”

“Now Edward.”

Eddie sat down slowly and took the computer from my hand. I knew Jack could lock the account so he would never be able to get this money back. Okay, Sasha could at least.

“But why…”

“We had a deal Edward. You wouldn’t want to disappoint my mother on my wedding day, would you?” I asked with my sweetest smile. It wasn’t easy as my facial expressions retreated whenever he was near due to force of habit.

“Of course.”

Eddie typed and after a minute handed me the computer back. I passed it to Renee and asked her to check her account balance.

“Oh my God, there is ten million and twelve dollars in my account!” she said with a little gasp.

“Twelve dollars? You had twelve fucking dollars in your account?”

“I went shoe shopping. Don’t judge me. Bella, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I have ever been prouder of you in my life. You extorted ten million dollars for us. Do you know what this means? I can leave Phil. He was cut from his team and is practically broke now. I can buy my own beach house and hire a pool boy or two to have on hand, maybe a really nice potential model or call girl for you. We can change them out every weekend. Oh my darling Bella, you are the best daughter in the whole world!”

Wow. Take care of the airhead’s bills for seventeen years and I get shit for credit. Force a guy into giving her ten million using the holy state of matrimony as a bargaining chip and she is proud of me.

“Thanks Mom. I’m proud of me too. Now go downstairs and enjoy the open bar. Believe me, I will when this is over. I’m probably going to have to kiss him so just turn your head, okay?”

“Anything for you princess. This is the greatest day of my life. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She hugged me and practically skipped out. Part of me wondered if she would even stay for the fake wedding.

“Why did I just give your mother ten million dollars?”

“Cause fuck you, that’s why. How do you feel about my vocabulary now? Now get the hell out of here. Any other surprise guests show up you are paying them too.”

“Hey, are we doin this thing or what doll?”

Vinnie just walked in, a perfect imitation of me, wearing the most boring wedding dress I had ever seen and smoking a cigar. Of course he wasn’t using my voice. That would be too weird. Okay this whole thing is too weird.

“Yep, Eddie is ready to marry you Vinster. When you kiss him make sure to slip him a little alien tongue okay?”

“You got it doll. What about it Eddie? Want a quickie before we go out?”

“God no! Do you have to smoke? It’s disgusting! This whole thing is disgusting! Bella, please don’t make me do this!”

“Show time Eddie. Get your ass out there and get hitched. I’ll be listening. I would say throw a few tears in but I guess you can’t. I have a reception to get ready for. See you in thirty minutes hubby.”

I straightened his bow tie and patted him on the back as he walked out. Arial and Angela walked in soon after and we clicked on the TV to watch the live feed. Angela snuggled against me but seemed a little tense. She explained before we started that she did not know if she could even watch a body double of me marry the asshole. I understood where she was coming from.

“I don’t want an outdoor wedding, unless it is on a beach in the Bahamas. I think I would prefer a Cathedral or something grand. They have some really nice places in Jacksonville.” Angela whispered.

“Yeah that’s what I heard…” I whispered back before I realized what the fuck she just said. Arial’s eyes were wide as I’m sure mine were but she had a huge smile on her face, the bitch.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“What was what?” she snuggled into me a bit more, but suddenly for the first time I wanted to throw her out the window.

“What you just said about weddings?”

“I’m just saying one day we will be married and I know you love Florida, and since same sex marriage isn’t an issue anymore, we could get married there. I mean after we graduate college of course. Who knows, maybe we could adopt a couple of children someday. I’ve always wanted kids, and… I know, maybe we could each carry one! There are a lot of donor clinics so it shouldn’t be a big deal. We could flip to see who goes first! I read that you can pick out donor sperm from genetic characteristics like hair and eye color.”

“I am not having a baby.” I managed to squeak out.

“Yeah, I understand. I don’t think I would want you carrying another man’s child, even if we were guaranteed to never meet him. Adoption would be great, so many kids need good homes. I know I’m getting ahead of myself but maybe we could start small. We can get a pet! I’ve always wanted a little dog, maybe a poodle. Don’t say we have Seth either because that’s not the same. What would we name our little baby puppy?”

“Uh…”

“Yeah Bella, what are you going to name you and your Angel’s poodle?” Arial asked. I hate her at times.

“I’m not really a fan of poodles.” Or marriage. I’m still coming to grips with the steady girlfriend thing. Marriage? Has she been smoking crack?

“We do plan to stay together, right? We love each other. Arial told me what you told her. About what Jasper said about the whole mate thing. Why didn’t you tell me? It was so sweet. I knew we would be together forever but wow, you know. I love you so much.”

Now her head was in my lap. I have never, ever considered myself a coward but every single cell in my body wanted to toss her out a window and enter the witness protection program at this moment.

“We shouldn’t talk about stuff like this right now, Angela. We have our whole lives. I haven’t even decided where I want to go next year on Spring Break. Let’s just take it slow, okay?”

“Bella’s afraid of commitment Angela.” Arial explained, helping me out like a good sister should and not helping my situation.

“You don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives Bella?” Angela asked, looking at me from my lap.

Arial wasn’t helping at all. The bitch just winked at me. Okay, I can handle this. I’m a professional liar. I’ve already extorted $10 mil from Eddie today. This shouldn’t be a big deal.

“Of course I do, Angela. I just don’t need a piece of paper or a ring to know you are mine.”

Boom. Point to Phoenix.

“But it’s important to me, Bella. I’m not saying now but when we graduate maybe. We are going to live together. We practically live together now. I want the world to know you are mine and a ring on your finger would definitely do that.”

“Of course. You are right, I would love to marry you… one day.”

“When Hell freezes over.” Arial whispered.

I hope Angela didn’t hear her accurate prediction. I was not a marrying kind of girl. I fuck supernatural bastards up for a living. Married? Only Jack is married and Sasha runs his life. It wouldn’t surprise me if she uses a strap on to pump him, he is the most pussy whipped individual I have ever known in my life. I understand why so I don’t give him shit. I would be too if I had Sasha who I am not allowed to think about having sex with anymore, but it’s not like she can read my mind. Everybody else’s sure, but not mine. Oh my God, why is my girlfriend fucking with me like this? It’s my fake wedding day, don’t I have enough stress?

“Hey, look it’s starting. Let’s watch.” I told her quickly before I pissed my panties.

Saved by Ty. He really looked good up there, Nice suit and everything. He must be planning on playing this straight.

“Playas and Breezies, welcome to the wedding of the year. When I think of successful marriages the first thing that comes to mind is a couple of 18 year old high school graduates, hookin up forever, right out of the gate. What could go wrong, right?”

Nope, not playing it straight.

“I’m going to kill him.” Jack grumbled.

“I want to thank Charlie and Carlisle for allowing this to happen. These are some open minded cats. What other fathers would stand by while their 18 year old kids who ain’t even had their first college class, hook up for eternity? They are some open minded, optimistic daddies. I know if I had a daughter and she tried to pull this I would kidnap her and chain her up in a cave or something until she came to her damn senses. But that’s just me. Since Bella ain’t my kid, praise Jesus, I have a lot of joy today. Let me tell you people, I have absolute faith these two will work. Bella here is one of the sweetest, most subservient girls in the world, cooks and cleans for her daddy, payin her momma’s bills since she was two years old, basically a perfect housewife in training while Edward certainly has the right idea about a woman’s place in the home. Kitchen and bedroom right Eddie? Yeah, he knows what I’m takin about. Look at Bella wearing white. That’s cute honey. Anyway let’s get this show on the road and this perfect marriage started off right. I understand the two have written their own vows for each other. Put a lot of thought in it. I even helped Bella with hers.”

“This can’t be good.” I said more to myself but Arial seemed to agree. “Vinnie is going to play this straight right? Connolly will burn him if he doesn’t and Sasha will let him. She has turned into a complete bitch since she has gotten pregnant.”

“I heard that Bella. Vinnie is under control, don’t worry and don’t call me a bitch again or my pregnant ass will kick your head off your skinny little shoulders.”

“I think you just proved my point Sasha. Hush, I want to hear my wedding vows.”

Oh God, fake me is about to pledge herself to Edward in unholy matrimony.

“Edward, since the day I saw you in the school cafeteria walking in slow motion like some entrance music was playing just for you, I knew you were the one. I will never forget the first time we snuck into my room while Dad was at work. I went to the bathroom to clean my face after we got freaky and when I came back my panty drawer wasn’t completely closed. I just knew at that moment I had you. I want you to know that I am going to be the best wife ever. That double wide mobile home we are going to buy is going to be the happiest in the whole park. I will always make you proud, I will get rid of all my shoes and we will have as many kids as I can pop out because I know all of them will have your really great hair. I pledge to be as good to you as I already have been. I won’t slack off in the bedroom just because we have tied ourselves to each other forever. I am going to cook your favorite foods or we can use the kitchen table for other things, just like we did on my Dad’s table while you sang Marvin Gay so softly in my ear. I am going to be a bitchin wife. I promise to obey your every, every desire, no matter how kinky, until the grim reaper kills one of us first, probably you, because women live longer. I won’t even cheat on you while you are at work, no matter how much of a beer gut you get or how attractive the guy is who mows the lawn at the park. I won’t have any girl on girl experimentation unless you are there to watch. You and me against the world baby. Now and forever, I’m yours.”

“I can’t believe I said that.” I whispered, a bit in shock. I knew it would be bad but wow.

“I can totally see you saying that if you were straight.” Arial disagreed.

“If you ever say something like that at our wedding, I will kill you.” Angela put in, not helping matters.

“That was beautiful, Bella. I think I’m going to cry before this ceremony is over so we better hurry along. Eddie, what do you got for your loving bride? Make it good, gangsta.

“Uh…”

Wow. Eddie’s perfect vampire mind has forgotten his vows. Some husband he would make.

“Bella,”

Jesus, he just looked at the hidden camera. Way to play it cool Ed.

“I have loved you from the first moment I saw you.”

Yeah when you wanted to kill me more than any human you had ever met.

“The more time we spent together the more difficult it became to ever imagine my life without you. Your gentle soul, your loving heart, your beautiful smile captivated me.”

You sniffed my panties while I slept, freak.

“I swear to love you for eternity. I will never, ever let you go. Not even death can destroy our love.”

Wanna bet?

Edward stopped talking. Awkward. He says my vocabulary is lacking.

“That’s it?” Ty asked. “That’s the best you got. She talked for like ten minutes about kitchen table sex and havin babies and you got that?”

“Uh…”

“Whatever Eddie. You need to work on your vocabulary. Bella said you were smart; you should be able to come up with something better. That’s okay, we need to get this union sealed. Bella, you take this guy to be your husband?”

“Yes, I totally do.”

Oh my God, Vinnie had gum in his mouth. He just blew a bubble.

“What about you Eddie? You gonna take this hot, sexy, completely human, 18 year old honey to be your wife?”

Eddie didn’t say anything. What the fuck?

“Eddie? I asked you a question.” Ty reminded him.

“Oh, of course. Yes, I do.”

“Excellent. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your blushing bride Eddie.”

Could I watch this? Could I stomach my alien body double kissing Edward Cullen’s cold, dead lips?

Of course I can.

Eddie didn’t move, but Vinnie took the lead. Holy shit is he attacking Ed. Come on Ed, put those arms around it. Oh damn, Vinnie is licking Ed’s throat and just hiked a leg up to Eddie’s hip. I didn’t even think it would be able to grind someone in that dress. He must have cut a slit in the side. Now Vinnie is licking Eddie’s lips. Oh shit Eddie just opened his mouth!

“Oh my God he is slipping Vinnie tongue! I think I’m going to vomit.” Arial did sound like she was going to vomit, but like me she couldn’t take her eyes away from the screen.

“Do you think Ed is going to have her gum in his mouth when they are done?” Ang asked.

“Okay, you two break it up. Let’s save the X rated stuff for the honeymoon.” Ty told them, looking a little uncomfortable himself.

Edward peeled himself away but not before Vinnie gave him a nice little lick on his cheek. This is so disgusting. He so deserved this. I wonder if Vinnie slipped him some kind of forked, alien snake tongue.

“Let’s party everybody!” Vinnie hollered to the crowd. He hiked his dress up and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter attached to the lacy blue garter belt and lit up. Polite applause broke out from somewhere off screen, AC/DC was playing on the stereo and the party was on.

“I guess I’m up. Help me into this dress girls. I got some Succubae to piss off.”

Ten minutes later Vinnie was upstairs, taking off the wedding dress that was a double of mine and putting on a suit, then turning into his favorite Brooklyn mob boss.

“How did I do kid?”

“Sasha is going to let Connolly burn you but I thought you did great. I wasn’t crazy about using my body to hump Edward but I guess we had to make it look authentic. All in all I would say we pulled off the wedding of the century. Now it’s time to party.”

“Go get em kid. I caught a look at those Alaskan vamps. Holy shit, I would do the hell out of them. Put in a good word for me, alright?”

“Anything for you Vinster. Okay girls, how do I look?”

“You’ll look better on our wedding day but not bad.”

Please stop Angela. Just please stop. I bet Arial put her up to this.

Of course Edward was waiting for me in the parlor.

“Ready to meet the guests my blushing bride?”

He seemed a little irritated.

“Not like my vows Eddie? I thought they were kind of sweet.”

“That whole ceremony was an embarrassing abomination. If I did have a soul it would certainly be destined for hell at this moment. I can’t believe I went through that.”

“Hey, I can’t believe I have had to go through a lot of shit since I have been running this op. Get over it. Now introduce me to these cousins of yours.”

Edward tried to grab my hand and I pulled away. No way am I touching him. The party did seem to be in full swing when we reached the back yard. By some miracle it wasn’t raining today so the giant tent was not needed. I suppose God decided to bless this wedding between the vampire and the alien with great weather. I of course, recognized no one except Wheels, Sue and Seth on the outskirts of the party, Charlie on the other side of the yard, drinking a very large mug of beer and the Cullen freaks. No wait, Ty was still here, drinking next to Connolly by the bar, Jack and Sasha were probably inside monitoring the reception with Arial and Angela and if I had to bet money, Dante was in the tree line somewhere, completely invisible with a rifle scoping the crowd. Of course Renee was sitting down, staring at her phone, probably her bank account.

The rest of the guests were interesting. I knew they all worked for Majestic 12 but if I hadn’t known, I never would have guessed they were employed by a super-secret alien hunting agency. They all, men and women, looked normal. The only difference in these people and a typical wedding crowd, were none appeared out of shape or young or old. There were no brats running around, and yep, there were three really hot chicks who screamed vampires. I could understand the Succubus legend now. These three fucked human dudes? I bet they wrecked their dicks.

“Who would you like to speak to first?”

“You know, Eddie. Let’s get this started.”

Eddie sighed and walked towards the three hot vampires. Another pair I hadn’t noticed before walked up. They were darker skinned, making it difficult to tell they were vampires unless you looked into their eyes.

“Bella, this is Carmen and Eleazar. These three are Kate, Tanya and Irina. They are our cousins from Alaska.”

“A pleasure to meet you Bella.” Eleazar said and kissed my hand. Yep, defintely a vampire.

“Nice to meet you all.”

“A pleasure, Bella. Edward has told us so much about you. Seeing you in person, I have to say I am surprised.” Tanya told me, taking me in. Yeah, she wanted this.

“I hope pleasantly surprised?”

“Just surprised.”

“I can’t believe one of them is here.” Irina hissed out. I followed her line of sight and saw Seth staring back at her.

“You talking about my friend Seth?”

“He and his kind killed Laurent!”

“Thank God he did or I would be a bloodless corpse in the woods.” I told her, doing my best to act offended and not laugh at her.

“He wouldn’t! He was changing!”

“Are you calling me a liar?” I stepped up into her personal space. “He was Victoria’s lapdog and said he was doing me a favor by killing me quickly. Where the hell do you get off coming to my wedding and calling me a liar?”

“Irina calm down.” Tanya whispered.

“Yeah Irina, calm down. If he had killed me, Edward would have killed your entire coven. cousins or not. Right Edward? Tell her what you would have done to them.”

“Uh…”

“Tell her what you told me, Edward. Edward said if the wolves hadn’t gotten there first, he would have burned every one of you because I’m his soulmate. He said he would torture you the worst Irina, since you were fucking Laurent, that murdering bastard. Tell her Edward.”

“I don’t remember saying exactly that, but yes I would have been very upset if he had succeeded.”

“And you would have killed them all right?”

“You said you would kill us Edward?” Eleazar asked. “I promise we had no idea what Laurent had planned. We have apologized profusely.”

“She is a liar!” Irina screamed, causing everyone, guests and all to tense.

“Fuck you bitch! You want to hear how it went down? Seth! Come here boy!”

Seth didn’t look as confident as I had hoped. This was why I needed Jake’s cocky ass here.

“Hi Bella. How are you doing?”

“Seth, this is Irina. She couldn’t think of a last name so they just use the area they live in. Kind of like if you were called Seth Washington. Regardless this bitch says I am lying about Laurent. Tell her the truth, Seth. Did he or did he not say he was going to kill me?”

Seth wasn’t there so his bullshit would have to be up to par. He had to have known what went down through that Vulcan mind meld they all have.

“Yeah, he uh, defintely said he would be killing you Bella.”

“And tell her what you and your pack did, Seth. Tell her how you crunched that bastard up like he was a bag of Purina.”

“Oh. Yeah totally. We took him out, it was quick so he didn’t feel much…”

“Don’t sugarcoat it for her Seth. Let her know Laurent got what he deserved. The wolves pulled his body back to me after he ran like a bitch. He begged for mercy but he tried to kill me, right? Then Seth turns human and asks me to run to the store and get a bottle of ketchup because the guys thought he needed a little favor. I didn’t of course because I’m not that cruel, so they just tore him limb from limb while he cried out for you. I’m the one who dropped the lighter on him. I saved his head for last so he could see his body burning. Nobody tries to kill me and gets away with it. Nobody Irina. Think about keeping your boyfriends on a closer leash. I’ll be a vampire soon and if any of your fuck buddies come after me, I am going to slowly kill the bastard and then I am coming for you. Me and Ed are going to be judge, jury and executioner. We got each other?”

“I don’t have to listen to this. You are an evil girl.”

“Uh, your boyfriend tried to kill me. Who is evil? God, you are such a hypocrite. Why are you even here? You blame me and my friends for his death but show up on the happiest day of my life? What are you smoking? Can vampires smoke crack?”

Irina looked like she wanted to kill me. I hope Dante was on top of his game today. I may have pushed a little too far.

Okay I pushed too far but fuck her.

Irina stormed off but to my great surprise, the rest of the clan stayed.

“I apologize for her, Bella. She is still grieving. I can certainly understand your position and am deeply sorry for Laurent’s actions.”

Wow. No wonder Eleazar is such good friends with Carlisle. Neither appear to have a pair.

“Hey, no sweat. Just keep her off me or there is going to be hell to pay. Seth you can go back to your mom. I need a drink. C’mon Eddie, time to get drunk, or time for me to get drunk at least. Enjoy the open bar Denali’s and if you like there are plenty of squirrels around. I think I even saw a deer drinking by the river.”

I walked away, wondering if Eddie was following or sucking Eleazar’s dick in apology.

“Well, you certainly exceeded my expectations Bella.” Uncle Jack told me. I didn’t respond, not knowing who could actually hear me, but I’m pretty sure he was proud.

“Two shots of Patron my good man.” I told the bartender.

“I’m not drinking alcohol Bella.”

“Oh wow, I thought you would be trying to smooth things over with your damn cousins.”

“I actually agreed with everything you said. She had no right to be angry after what Laurent tried.”

Okay, so Eddie is kissing my ass big time.

“Both shots are for me anyway.”

I downed both and then Jack ruined my wedding day.

“Bella, Dante has reported two vampires in the woods on the North side about two hundred yards away watching the reception. From the sound of it one of them is that giant Felix guy you described. They aren’t close enough to hear and Sasha is monitoring their thoughts. They don’t seem to suspect that Seth is a wolf, but they did see Irina run off. They are going to follow you after this I’m betting.”

“So?” I whispered.

“You and Edward are going to have to follow through with this honeymoon thing. At least go to the island together.”

I spit out my third shot.

“No.”

“Yes. It’s not like you have to fuck him Bella. The house on this private island is bugged and there are dog whistles everywhere. He won’t try anything. Look Angela is fuming right now so I really need you to go inside and calm her down before she walks out and makes a scene. Arial is trying but, just slip inside.”

“Bullshit.” I whispered from between my teeth. I would marry Angela right now if she would put a stop to this travesty. This is taking it too far.

“Bella’ we have come too far to stop now. We need them to think you are really married. After Vinnie’s performance I’m sure there are doubts. Just go with it. We will be near the entire time. Connolly and Dante will be hidden on the island. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I hate you Jack. I hate you so, so much.” I didn’t bother whispering this time.

“Problem Bella?”

I looked at Eddie’s face and knew he knew.

“No, I suppose not.”

Uh oh. Eddie’s face just turned from extreme joy to extreme nervousness.

“Jake is here. He wants to speak to you.” Edward whispered.

“Where is he? There are two Volturi guys watching from the North side.”

“South side. We can casually walk behind the house. There is an area covered by brush. They won’t be able to see if we keep it quiet and quick. You have to get rid of him.”

“No shit, you fucking genius. Smile and lead the way.”

After ten minutes of making small talk with people I didn’t know, we worked our way around and there backed up into the trees was Jacob fucking Black.

“I’ll give you two time alone.”

Gee thanks Eddie. Glad you decide who I can spend time with.

“I’ll be near listening for the Volturi.”

Eddie walked away and I was left with Jake. This fucking asshole.

“You look beau…”

“You fucking asshole! Where the fuck have you been?”

“I needed time to deal with some things, okay?”

“Because of your spirit walk, I had to place my puppy in harm’s way! I needed a wolf who was expendable and still talking to me and you were gone!”

“I’m sorry, Bella. I just couldn’t stand by and watch this.”

“Really? You think it was easy for me? You knew it was fake and still… I mean what the fuck is wrong with you. Have you been shitting in the woods this whole time? Please tell me you didn’t eat animals. Oh God, you did. You had to eat whole deer and there is no way you could have shit that out as a human. You had to digest it… that’s just sick Jake. I mean really, really fucked up.”

“Look, it’s natural for me, okay? I’m a damn wolf. Part of me is, anyway. I just wanted to see you. I needed to apologize. I’ve thought a lot about us since I have been gone and concluded that you might be gay. Like really, really gay.”

“Seriously? It took you this long. Are you naturally stupid or have you had to work hard for this level of dumb?”

“I’m sorry! Look I just want to be your friend, that’s it. No more pressure, no more begging, I swear.”

Oh. I suppose I should take what I could get. At least one of my stalkers has his head removed from his ass.

“Fine. Look I have to get ready to leave soon. Apparently, I am expected to go on a honeymoon with this asshole.”

“What?”

Uh oh. Jake looked two seconds away from humping a tree.

“All this bullshit about being gay and you are going to fuck him? How far are you taking this Bella?”

“Back the fuck off, Jake. You ruin my face and I am slaughtering your whole family.”

Holy shit, Eddie was in front of me. Maybe they could kill each other. Nope. Sam Uley and Paul LaHote are dragging Jake back. Damn it they are gone now. Oh well. He can get over this too. At least he didn’t do something stupid like ask me to dance.

“I’m sorry for that Bella. He apparently…”

“Shut it, Eddie. I have to calm down my girlfriend. I’ll meet you back outside in twenty.”

It actually took thirty because Angela was super pissed off. I fucked her on Alice and Jasper’s bed and she calmed down a bit but still wasn’t happy with the situation. She fucking bit me on the neck! I swear if she does that again I am kicking her ass. I love her but nobody marks the Phoenix.

I did the rest of the wedding shit. I made Eddie eat three pieces of cake. I danced with Dad, badly, since he couldn’t dance and I preferred to grind with hot women in rave clubs rather than waltz or whatever this was. Renee kept hugging me while staring at her bank balance on her phone, Dad was crying a bit and when I asked why, he just said he never thought it would have to go this far. He was so sweet. I should have extorted a couple mil for him too. Of course I still had time. Alice had some clothes ready for me to leave and I of course ignored those and wore what Arial had prepared for me.

Then it was time to get this travesty on the road. God help us all. We reached the limo with little to no bird seed damage and relaxed as much as possible considering I was about to go on an extended vacation with an annoying dead body.

“Edward, we understand each other, right? You try to touch me and I will kill you. There is a line I will not cross and that is it. You don’t speak unless spoken too, you stay out of my bedroom and you only walk next to me outside, do not try to hold my hand. I don’t give a damn if the Volturi are watching or not, I will kill them too if I have to. You got all that or do I need to write it down?”

“I understand completely, Bella. I will not act as anything less than a complete gentleman.”

This is going to be the worst honeymoon ever. Fuck it, may as well make small talk.

“So what was it like for an alien to slip you a little tongue?”